Why don't you go where fashion sits? Puttin' on the Ritz!

--Taco

From last week's news:

OSWIECIM, Poland -- Fashion watchers say Vice President Dick Cheney stood out at ceremonies Thursday commemorating the lives of those who died in two Nazi concentration camps.

Where to start?

Well, let's look at the subtext of this story. It shakes out somewhat along the lines of, "Look at what Cheney is wearing! How could anyone be so vulgar and tacky at something like a memorial service at Auschwitz!"

Ok then...

You're critiquing what people are wearing at a memorial service at Auschwitz. How could anyone be so tacky and vulgar?

What, was Robin Givhan checking for Gucci tags while they were going over that whole "they butchered my children before my eyes" part? Did she get a good look at the women's shoes during the part where they discussed the cattle cars and the ovens?

Moving on, we keep hearing how the VP managed to "dress nice" for his inauguration, but wandered into Auschwitz looking ready to operate a "snow blower".

Well, what was the weather like at the ceremony? Let's take a look...

At the forum, Kwasniewski was due to decorate several former Red Army soldiers who liberated during one of eastern Europe's severest winters when temperatures fell as low as - 30 degrees Celsius (- 22 Fahrenheit).

It dropped to twenty-two degree below zero out there. Parts of my anatomy have just retreated so fast, you'd think their names were "Jacques" and "Marcel". You've got a what, nine thousand year old man who's suffered forty-eight thousand heart attacks out there at freeze-dry temperatures, and you're upset he put on a wool knit hat? Are you people for real?


Finally, Cheney wore an olive green parka, Europeans wore black.

I have no problem with this. Why? Note to Europe:

You killed millions of Jews, Gypsies, homosexuals and God-knows-who-else. Maybe you /should/ wear black. Maybe it's appropriate you show up in mourning clothes. Hear me out now, just maybe all of your complicity in massive genocide demands you show up in black every so often. Then again, maybe that's only me being whacky again.

And I'm not saying Germany, I'm saying Europe. On that continent, the only people not tossing dudes into Nazi concentration camps were:

The Swedes
The Swiss
The Pope
The Portugeese
Bulgaria
Francisco Franco

Stew over that one for a bit. That other Fascist, Franco, killed way fewer Jews than the French. Way fewer. Maybe one day, you guys will get up to his level of civility.

Do you know how the Final Solution came to France? Hitler had a meeting with Petain:

(Since Hitler spoke little French, and Petain hadn't started studying German yet, the conversation took place in English).

Hitler: Field Marshal, I demand that Vichy turn over all its Jews!

Petain: No! A thousand times no! There are some things which are too terrible for even a defeated nation to submit. We will never do this shameful thing! You will have war, Chancellor. We French will fight to the last drop of blood over this.

Hitler (startled): This...this is incredible. I had been told your people had no great love for the Jews, but if this...

Petain: Oh! Did you say, Jews? Mon Dieu, I thought you said 'shoes'! We are rather proud of our elegant wardrobes, as I am sure you know. Jews, that's different. Would you like us to turn over anyone else? We do have North Africans as well, you know.

Hitler: No no, just the Jews.


So yes, you guys wear black. We wear olive green. Why olive green? Well, that's the color of the uniform of our army, which stopped you all from butchering Jews and each other. During the beginning of the Twentieth Century, civilized Europe decided to start slaughtering each other. It's like they got off on it, or something. First there was World War I, which Europe enjoyed so much they decided to throw another, called World War II. In the middle of these two, you had Bolsheviks starving millions to death in the Ukraine. You had a Spanish Civil War. A Russian Civil War. A Russo-Finnish War. You had most of Europe raping and pillaging Africa.

Damn. How do you people have the time to criticize us? Shouldn't you be spending the next forty years in the bathroom, trying to get all that blood off your hands?

So we're going to stick with olive green. We wore that color when we occupied half your frikking continent for more than sixty years, because we couldn't trust leaving you people to your own devices.

That is all.


(Originally posted on "The Wide Awakes")